Somewhere in the Middle

I’ve been drifting between moods for a while now.  I contemplated starting this post with all the things I hate about what’s happening in my life right now but as you can see, I'v chosen to the cheerier route. 

I miss home :( … I'm sure this goes without saying. I’ve been trying my best however, to feel better… I will admit that I could try a little harder.

For days on end, I’ve been listening to the sultry, sad, bluesy melodies of Adele and that has done nothing to me but start a bawl-a-thon (I’m very in tune with my emotions… no apologies will be made for feeling feelings) but now I’ve changed my genre and Paramore’s alternative lyrics and beats aren’t really helping me that much either.  I’m looking for a healthy selection.... like something lying in between all of this. I miss home and there’s not much I can do when the feeling comes to me but at the same time, I should be enjoying the wonderful experience that I’ve been blessed with.  Do know that I am very grateful for this opportunity; but a girl has the right to feel how she feels… right? 

Adele’s songs of love lost, missed opportunities and feeling strongly for the "one who will never be" have been therapeutic in the sense that I get to sing along and get my emotions out but at the same time, they just make me... well... sad L. The worst part of this whole thing is, in a weird way, feeling sad is sort of my comfort.  Sounds crazy?  I’m on a quest to find something that reminds me of home but at the same time, not make me yearn for it so much that I reach the point of flooding my bed with tears.

I spoke to my sister and 3 year old nephew about two days ago.  He was so excited to talk to me and tell me that I was on the plane; count with his fingers, fiddle with the computer like a big boy, show me his school shoes (and his round belly) all while searching up and about the computer to find out exactly where I was hiding :D. I mean, how is aunty talking to me on this device right?  The kid has a right to know! 

I love him so much ♥  Then the same day, my mum calls and I speak with a nice lady from church who has always had a soft spot for me and vice versa.  Adding insult to injury, I spoke to my sister who just had a baby three months ago (I missed it L) and she misses me and said she should be sending me new pics of the baby soon…(sigh).  What an eventful afternoon my eyes had!  I held it together for as long as I could… I really tried. 

Good news is,  I should be heading home in a few short months, given that the rise in fuel prices doesn’t choose to foil my plans of freedom and spiritual redemption (i.e. regaining my sanity by hitting the concrete at V.C. Bird International Airport). 

In other news… I worked out for the first time in 4 months!  It was good but not as rejuvenating as I thought it was. I lost the vibe in the midst of setting up.  I was able to bear thorough it to the end. I did some yoga with my friends for about 20 minutes then I ended with a few abdominal exercises (do I sound too technical saying abdominal and not abs like the rest of the world?).  I’m feeling better about myself today but the sadness still lurks.

Before I go,  I want to say hi to my readers in Germany, Malaysia and Singapore.  It's pretty cool having readers from these countries… well at least to me!  Germany, I see you! You’ve been here quite a few times too!  Nice having you and I do hope that you will come again! Feel free to leave a “hello” for me in the comment box if you ever show up again or even email me (den4268@gmail.com).

A bientôt!  (That means “see you soon” in French or “the language I SHOULD be practicing” as it has been referred to lately.

Ooooohhh ooohhh oohhh!!! Say hello to my new teddy bear :D (I got him under special circumstances thanks to the creepy guy in the store)

 He doesn't really have a name yet. I’ve been trying out a few but none are really sticking...especially the first one (which, btw was a girl's name until I realized his features were more on the masculine side :D)  What do you guys think I should name him? 

Disaster Knows No Boundaries

I've always been traumatized by the occurrence of natural disasters.  The only natural disaster that I have ever really experienced in my life were mild earthquakes and hurricanes-not at all the "disastrous" kind. For that I am so grateful.

I'm sure everyone has heard about the great misfortune that has occurred in Japan today.  If you haven't yet, then I'm glad that you will be learning something from me, irregardless of the fact that it comes in the form of bad news.  From the reports that I've been following (sorry if I come off all "journalisty") a 8.9 magnitude earthquake preceded an equally destructive tsunami (23 foot wave) in bringing devastation to the people of Japan.  Some 200 to 300 bodies were found and hundreds more have been reported missing and are mostly likely feared dead.

This probably goes without saying, but my heart as well as the hearts of so many people across this great planet, goes out to the people of Japan but I'm sure that just like me, there are also many others who just wish to find the right words to express how we really feel.

Funny enough, I was just chatting with my friend Janene about the importance of not giving too much importance to money before going online and being greeted by this unfortunate news.  On an episode of one of my favourite tv shows (NBC's Community), guest star LeVar Burton (the guy from Reading Rainbow) tells Britta that she's stupid with her money because she was willing to give up her last $216 dollars to pay him to stay around long enough for her friend Troy (LeVar's biggest fan) to find the guts to actually say something to the man instead of stare at him with a dumbfounded expression.  Anyway, I was saying that I may be stupid with my money too as I may have done this in the past and my still do that from time to time.  In brief, I was just saying that some of the things in life that we put so much value to are really not worth the time and effort we put into them... like obsessing over money. Now I'm not saying that I should run around spending money like an idiot but at the same time, if I'm having a bad time and I want to treat myself and/or my friends because I think it will cheer me up, then I'm gonna do it!

I mean, life's so short and obsessing over the little things and even some of the big things, in truth, it's just that... obsessing over them because they really only add or take away as from our lives as much as we want them to or allow them to.  Do you understand?

I've been lucky this far in life to have never experienced such a great, personal tragedy but who knows when my time for this great suffering will come? Who knows?  So I have pledged my life to enjoying it irregardless of the bad times.   It has been hard since I came to that realization a few years ago (especially since I've been here in Morocco) but it's something that I'm working on seeing to fulfillment.  Life's too short and I want to make sure each occasion I get to enjoy it is duly seized.

Who's with me?

I hope we will all take some time to say a prayer or express our concerns for the people in Japan any way we see fit. Not as an empty display but out of genuine love and compassion...

Love is a Losing Game

Hey guys.  First off, do allow me to apologize for not having updated my blog for quite some time. I know that you, my very few but still valued and loyal readers have probably been wondering why this was so. 

First reason, I’ve been missing home badly and have been hiding away in my hole for a little while – terribly unhappy and pretty much uninspired.  My second reason however, is the one that has had a greater role to play in my absence and that is the fact that I decided to pay my internet service provider for services that have yet to be rendered.  I went in to their offices the other day with my Caribbean flare (not the good one) held under wraps but I can’t be sure that this will be the case the next time around.  Anyway, I’m here now.

You would remember that my last post was on Valentines’ Day and was all full of love and what not.  When I decided to start this blog, in the back of my mind but in very bold letters  it was well noted that I WOULD NOT TURN MY BLOG INTO THE OLE’ HIGH SCHOOL JOURNAL.  What that means is that I have no intentions of lacing it with stories about this boy, that boy and how much I loved, lost and have missed out on love.  I made another mental note that the Valentines' Day post was an exception; after all, it WAS Valentines’ Day and I didn’t want to come off as being bitter. This time however, I have no plausible reason for this post and I have no intentions of giving any explanation to myself or anyone else. 

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never been in love but I have dated quite a bit. My moments of doing the dating dance were never anything really serious (at least in my mind) but there have, without a doubt, been feelings involved.

I was watching a cute, little documentary called Paper Heart the other night. This documentary was about a young woman who “didn’t/doesn’t believe in love” and was travelling across America, trying to find out what LOVE means to the rest of the world and what this whole phenomena is all about. So she interviewed couples, each giving their take on relationships and ofcourse, LOVE (and TRUE LOVE at that).  I could relate with this poor girl’s confusion about the whole concept of love but unlike her, I do believe in love and TRUE LOVE doesn’t seem impossible to me either.

I think that the common misconception that we all have is that love/true love is measured by time and although that does have a role to play in everything, it’s not the definitive factor.  What I mean is, we think that when we fall in love and think it’s true love, we intend for it to always last FOREVER.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I mean who doesn’t want to love and be loved by the love of their life for the rest of their lives right? At the same time however, should things not go the way we want them to go, that should not give grounds to saying that you didn’t truly love the person or that they didn’t truly love you right back. It also isn’t grounds to say that it wasn’t true love. 

True love, in my untrained eyes is based on how that person makes you feel, how you make them feel and the genuine, unquestionable existence of a passionate, strong, and pure bond between the two of you that is unlike anything you’ve ever known.  My opinion, as an inexperienced young mind in this matter of love is that we can find true love with more than one person in our entire lives.  It’s just a matter of finding the true love that encompasses everything that you need.

You know that you can love someone so much and they can feel the very same way about you but you’re just not meant to be?  Does this mean that what you have isn’t true love? 

Amy Winehouse (one of my all time favourite voices to listen to) has a song that sums it all up; Love is a Losing Game.  That’s just what it is.  Amy may not be the best person to take love advice from (if you know about her, you would know what I mean) but she’s so lyrically, and melodiously correct.  When you love, you lose a lot.  You lose your mind, your pride, your heart, your life; all of this can be looked at in both a positive and negative light. Just think about it!  The love that an old couple, having been together for fifty or so years, has shared can be the very same, genuine love that a couple having been together for a year or less would have experienced.  Should the second couple decide to end their relationship after the year or whenever, does this mean that they didn’t have TRUE LOVE?

I love someone.

I literally woke up to this revelation one morning a couple months ago.  Now, I’m not crazy. It did just come to me as I slept, trying to avoid the morning before me.  I know without a doubt that I love this guy but I haven’t said anything to ANYONE about it until now.  Is this an effect of growing older?  I don’t feel the need to rush to my closest friends with the news.  Then again, there are so many reasons for this.

I love him. I seem to not be able to stop saying it (I don’t even know why I’m saying this), however, I’m not quite sure that I wish to do anything about it.  I don’t know exactly why I love him but I do.  He’s not my “type” per se and we’re just friends.  I don’t know what is going on inside his head but the heart knows what it knows and feels what it feels.  It’s more of an emotional connection as opposed to a physical. Don’t get me wrong, he is a beautiful man but I’ve dated a more handsome guy in the past. That’s how I know that it’s real.  I always knew that I would feel love when it came but it’s not that easy to explain. I could think to blame being so far away from home, missing my family and my dogs and my friends as the reason for my feeling this way about him but it was just before I got to Morocco that I realized how I felt about him.  That’s quite a long time to keep it a secret.

I’m not so much afraid of disappointment as I am terrified of commitment.  Does that sound stupid?  It kinda does to me.  I wouldn’t care as much if he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I would should he feel the same way about me.  I doubt either of us is ready for any type of commitment (especially given the fact that he’s nowhere near Morocco) and although it’s not very impossible, I’m not quite sure if I want to try.  But it never hurts to try… right?

A few things could happen;

1.    I could tell him how I feel and find out he doesn’t feel the same way... loose a friend because things get awkward.

2.    I could choose not to tell him how I feel and risk the chance of losing him because I move on very fast lately.

3.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we try a relationship and we fail.

4.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way we agree not to try and never know what could have been.

5.   I could tell him how I feel, he not feel the same way but says he’s willing to try and I lose a friend because his “pity” insults my pride.

6.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we fall hopelessly in love and loose ourselves in each other.

…

Love is a losing game