Love is a Losing Game

Hey guys.  First off, do allow me to apologize for not having updated my blog for quite some time. I know that you, my very few but still valued and loyal readers have probably been wondering why this was so. 

First reason, I’ve been missing home badly and have been hiding away in my hole for a little while – terribly unhappy and pretty much uninspired.  My second reason however, is the one that has had a greater role to play in my absence and that is the fact that I decided to pay my internet service provider for services that have yet to be rendered.  I went in to their offices the other day with my Caribbean flare (not the good one) held under wraps but I can’t be sure that this will be the case the next time around.  Anyway, I’m here now.

You would remember that my last post was on Valentines’ Day and was all full of love and what not.  When I decided to start this blog, in the back of my mind but in very bold letters  it was well noted that I WOULD NOT TURN MY BLOG INTO THE OLE’ HIGH SCHOOL JOURNAL.  What that means is that I have no intentions of lacing it with stories about this boy, that boy and how much I loved, lost and have missed out on love.  I made another mental note that the Valentines' Day post was an exception; after all, it WAS Valentines’ Day and I didn’t want to come off as being bitter. This time however, I have no plausible reason for this post and I have no intentions of giving any explanation to myself or anyone else. 

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never been in love but I have dated quite a bit. My moments of doing the dating dance were never anything really serious (at least in my mind) but there have, without a doubt, been feelings involved.

I was watching a cute, little documentary called Paper Heart the other night. This documentary was about a young woman who “didn’t/doesn’t believe in love” and was travelling across America, trying to find out what LOVE means to the rest of the world and what this whole phenomena is all about. So she interviewed couples, each giving their take on relationships and ofcourse, LOVE (and TRUE LOVE at that).  I could relate with this poor girl’s confusion about the whole concept of love but unlike her, I do believe in love and TRUE LOVE doesn’t seem impossible to me either.

I think that the common misconception that we all have is that love/true love is measured by time and although that does have a role to play in everything, it’s not the definitive factor.  What I mean is, we think that when we fall in love and think it’s true love, we intend for it to always last FOREVER.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I mean who doesn’t want to love and be loved by the love of their life for the rest of their lives right? At the same time however, should things not go the way we want them to go, that should not give grounds to saying that you didn’t truly love the person or that they didn’t truly love you right back. It also isn’t grounds to say that it wasn’t true love. 

True love, in my untrained eyes is based on how that person makes you feel, how you make them feel and the genuine, unquestionable existence of a passionate, strong, and pure bond between the two of you that is unlike anything you’ve ever known.  My opinion, as an inexperienced young mind in this matter of love is that we can find true love with more than one person in our entire lives.  It’s just a matter of finding the true love that encompasses everything that you need.

You know that you can love someone so much and they can feel the very same way about you but you’re just not meant to be?  Does this mean that what you have isn’t true love? 

Amy Winehouse (one of my all time favourite voices to listen to) has a song that sums it all up; Love is a Losing Game.  That’s just what it is.  Amy may not be the best person to take love advice from (if you know about her, you would know what I mean) but she’s so lyrically, and melodiously correct.  When you love, you lose a lot.  You lose your mind, your pride, your heart, your life; all of this can be looked at in both a positive and negative light. Just think about it!  The love that an old couple, having been together for fifty or so years, has shared can be the very same, genuine love that a couple having been together for a year or less would have experienced.  Should the second couple decide to end their relationship after the year or whenever, does this mean that they didn’t have TRUE LOVE?

I love someone.

I literally woke up to this revelation one morning a couple months ago.  Now, I’m not crazy. It did just come to me as I slept, trying to avoid the morning before me.  I know without a doubt that I love this guy but I haven’t said anything to ANYONE about it until now.  Is this an effect of growing older?  I don’t feel the need to rush to my closest friends with the news.  Then again, there are so many reasons for this.

I love him. I seem to not be able to stop saying it (I don’t even know why I’m saying this), however, I’m not quite sure that I wish to do anything about it.  I don’t know exactly why I love him but I do.  He’s not my “type” per se and we’re just friends.  I don’t know what is going on inside his head but the heart knows what it knows and feels what it feels.  It’s more of an emotional connection as opposed to a physical. Don’t get me wrong, he is a beautiful man but I’ve dated a more handsome guy in the past. That’s how I know that it’s real.  I always knew that I would feel love when it came but it’s not that easy to explain. I could think to blame being so far away from home, missing my family and my dogs and my friends as the reason for my feeling this way about him but it was just before I got to Morocco that I realized how I felt about him.  That’s quite a long time to keep it a secret.

I’m not so much afraid of disappointment as I am terrified of commitment.  Does that sound stupid?  It kinda does to me.  I wouldn’t care as much if he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I would should he feel the same way about me.  I doubt either of us is ready for any type of commitment (especially given the fact that he’s nowhere near Morocco) and although it’s not very impossible, I’m not quite sure if I want to try.  But it never hurts to try… right?

A few things could happen;

1.    I could tell him how I feel and find out he doesn’t feel the same way... loose a friend because things get awkward.

2.    I could choose not to tell him how I feel and risk the chance of losing him because I move on very fast lately.

3.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we try a relationship and we fail.

4.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way we agree not to try and never know what could have been.

5.   I could tell him how I feel, he not feel the same way but says he’s willing to try and I lose a friend because his “pity” insults my pride.

6.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we fall hopelessly in love and loose ourselves in each other.

…

Love is a losing game