Tiny Spaces Make Me Crazy and Sad Movies Make Me Cry

If the title of this post hasn’t told you a thing or two about my life then buddy, I’m not the only one who needs to be checked out.  I have sarcastically been having the best summer of my entire life (no sarcasm) and I just don’t want to know what will ever happen to me when it does come to an end - *cue the drama*  Oh the horror!

Seriously though, tiny spaces do in fact drive me bonkers and those who know me will know that it doesn’t take much to make me cry so that bit about the sad movies is pretty much valid too.  For the past few days, my summer vacation has been spent cooped up in my two by naught dorm room watching Modern Family (which is HILARIOUS btw), eating, staring blankly at my walls, listening to music and watching a sad movie or ten.  No need to be alarmed. I haven’t  been wasting my days away just doing that.  That would be the most absurd thing ever!  Please! I mean c’mon!!!!  Who do you think this is?  Added to that spicy concoction, I’ve been intoxicating myself with the hardest liquor boredom has to offer… having genuine delight in a monotonous task - I’ve been doing, undoing, and THEN redoing my thick, textured, afrod hair for no apparent reason.  Now, you tell me my summer vacation doesn’t just sound delicious!

I did go out to a club last Thursday with some of my best buds in Morocco and I did have quite the time of dancing my little tushy off.  Get this though; in recognition of the teensy tiny dash of Caribbean folk living in this massive country, the nightclub, (which will not be named) Harolds’, decided to have a Caribbean night. 

Now, since I’m missing Antigua’s annual summer festival this year, I was pretty delighted to know that I’d actually get to go to a club, hear some Caribbean music for the most part of the night, and most likely dance my butt off. I did actually go to a club. I did hear some Caribbean music. I did dance my butt off… ish.  BUT, is it too much for a girl to ask if all she ever wanted if more than ten, count 'em, TEN Caribbean songs?  I mean, I was there for over three hours (I know.. LAME!!!!) and the majority of the music was NOT even Caribbean based.  I mean, one would think that this would NOT be the case at a Caribbean night… I mean, HELLO!!!!! They didn’t even have the bloody place decorated to go along with the theme for the night.  Pfffftttt!!! Nevertheless, I always know how to enjoy myself with any little that I’ve been given… and oh boy was it a little. 

Now this past Monday was quite an exciting day too. Now everyone who’s anyone hates Mondays.  I mean, which NORMAL person goes to bed on a Sunday night and say “Gee, I can’t wait for tomorrow!”  Should you know anyone who does this, do suggest that they make some friends or get checked out… unless Monday is the day that they get to see the girl/guy at work that they’ve been oodling.  The point is, Monday’s are pretty much uneventful in the social sense – not in the sense of having a job where you earn money for showing up.  This Monday, however, was not like regular Mondays for me.  Why?  Here we go…

Part I

You Can NEVER Cheat a Cheater

Shopping is something that I love dearly.  We are usually best friends but sometimes, things get a bit rocky between us. I am not for tooting my own horn or anything BUT just for the purpose of getting my message across in this post, I will have to be inclined to make an exception.  Now, due to my great sense of style, my French know-how and my charm, my presence is usually requested when my friends have major purchases to be made.  Now when my friend Coady had to go buy a suit and some other things for the pageant he was entering at our place of lodging, I felt it was both an honor and a necessity for me to accompany him- mostly for my sake. - If I had to spend another straight week in that room and be annoyed by the usual culprits, someone was gonna have to come get me from Morocco.  My sanity is hanging on by a thread here. THEN!!! I find out that one of my musical idols was dead (Amy Winehouse of course) I felt the world begin to crumble below me.  There are only very few people who can actually make me sad music that I love and learn line by line -she, Adele and Duffy are among my top pics.  But I digress...

So we  went  to Centre Ville  and found a suit in little to no time which was cause for celebration. As momentous an occasion as this was, we sooner found out it was too good to be true.  After leaving, we went to Agdal – my fave shopping area in Morocco… well second only to Casablanca thus far.  We get to Agdal and find a suit… very very very similar… one may even say the same suit, for about three hundred dollars less.  Now we hadn’t TECHNICALLY bought the first suit, BUT we did pay for half of it already.  So we concocted a great plan which, with the highest level of optimism jabbing at our naïve little hearts, would get us the money back from the first suit shop and allow us to get the second suit with cash to spare and go towards other important things.  So we head back to the first shop, and my lie went a little bit like this:

*Think serious face and light panting – since we had to "rush" back immediately after getting the devastating news* :  The show was going to be held on Thursday but my friend (Coady) just got a call from his brother saying that the cheapest ticket he could find for his trip back home was for this Wednesday so our dear Coady, torn up as he could ever be, would not be able to participate in the pageant… unfortunately.  I hold my head, apologize profusely.  Obviously, you can’t trick a trickster, or cheat a cheater and that dude read right through my BS.  So much so that he handed me a plate of BS that he had created too.  Ahem:

According to this “gentleman”  the owner of the shop had already come and taken all of the earnings for the day and he was already in Casablanca.  Now, here are a few reasons for this being an unacceptable excuse:
1. We had left but one hour or so before.
2. Casablanca was about two or three hours away by car.
3. If the proprietor had already taken the day’s earnings, then why oh why was the shop still even open????

Being the drama queen I am, I started to carry on with my carrying ons- holding my head, giving him puppy dog eyes, smiling… you know… in a dramatic way.  None of it worked.   Blast!!!!!!  Needless to say we left without a dirham (Moroccan currency).  Which leads us to the final part of my exciting day…

PART II

When in Morocco…

Run as the Moroccans run.  Yep… I did quite a bit of running after leaving the suit shop.  So there we were, waiting to cross the street to get to the bus stop when we see a great big crowd of people running towards us.  We thought:
1. It was a group of protestors (that is a norm here).
2. The town was being attacked.
3. It was an angry mob of crazy people looking to slay whosoever would be in their path.
4. They were getting some exercise.

With all of these possible reasons, one would expect that these two black kids (Coady and myself) would resort to the typical black response to a situation such as this – RUN AWAY!  But oh no! Not us!!! We were inquisitive Sam and Sally, just dying to find out what was going on.  In a split second, we got our wish. I swear I blinked twice before the mob was just a mere stone’s throw away. 

Haha… funny I should mention stones and throwing here.  These people started picking up and throwing stones.  Guess what we did?  We watched… until it was an inch or two away from us of course.  Then we started to do as all the other innocent bystanders… We RAN!!!!  From my new vantage point, I could see a single guy being charged by this group of angry, stone-throwing people… with a machete.  Nope… You did not read wrong… a MACHETE.  Oh how my heart started to pound.  I started to think… Did everyone in the mob have a machete?  I looked down the road by which they came for a trail of bodies but fornutaely, there were no dead bodies lying in the street. I felt comforted that the angry people were just angry and not angry and murdering.  UNTIL they started tossing the stones at machete guy … hitting both him and poor, innocent parked cars. 

The thuds of rock to roof top were alarming.  Not wanting to sound racist, but I’ve heard of murders in the East that were conducted with the help of stones, an angry enough mob and some poor, sad soul who was to receive the stoning.  Now Morocco is a lot of things in my opinion but I could never imagine they would allow this to happen in as busy an area as this, where the TOURISTS would most likely be crowded.  My little heart leapt and did a few cartwheels.  I thought he was getting ready to pack up and leave me at the side of the road, just watching all of this madness unfold. 

When machete guy fell and the stoners encircled him, I was almost sure he was saying his prayers. Dudes seemed like they were aiming to KILL or damage beyond repair.  This sucker was nobody’s sucker though, because amidst all of the stones, he found the strength to get up and start chasing those attempting to kill him.  It was not a scene to be close to.  That wasn’t the most horrific part though.  This little guy (not little guy like politically correct little guy but I use this term to describe short guys, which Morocco has many of) runs behind machete guy with a long stick and wacks him across the back with it.  I wasn’t having any more of it, plus my poor heart couldn’t take it so we finally zipped through the even bigger crowd that had formed along the way and ran for a taxi.  Up until now, I’m wishing it was a bad dream but unfortunately it wasn’t.  I do hope that if I am to ever see that again it will be in a dream. Trust me,  I’ll find a joke  or fifty to make out of this but right now, I’m trying to forget it even happened.

On that note.  I hope you’re having a better summer vacation than I am… It’s almost done, so if you’re not doing anything, GET TO IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUUUGGSSS!!!!

Den

Let's Talk About Race

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Just as its counterparts religion and sexuality and even sex (as in male and female) have been hot button topics for many a decade, this whole issue of race has caused quite the controversy among us earthlings.  The intellectuals love to say that we are all one in the same,  that we are all of the same race –the human race- but as much as I agree and support this ideology, we all know that this isn’t the case in the real world...at least, in parts of it.  So moving on from beating around the bush with this human race chit chat, let’s delve into the matter at hand. 

Now let me first start off by saying thanks to God (feel free to insert whichever being you choose to believe in here if it makes you more comfortable) for giving me parents as open minded as mine.  Believe it or not, ideas of racism, racial supremacy, bigotry and such the like did not really have an effect on me until much much later in my life.  I, more or less, was unscathed by all of this nonsense –that's what I think of it- until I got to high school. Yes, I knew all about slavery, I knew about racism but at the same time, the environment, and I guess I can say the country in which I grew up, made all of this seem alien and too distant for me to really give a damn.  In life however, we know that as we grow, we learn more and become more aware, or dare I say disillusioned by the wonderful world that we call home and its workings.

My parents worked in the hotel industry for many years and I grew up that mixed environment. I met different people from different parts of the world, different ethnicities and beliefs and my parents always nurtured this idea of exploration with us. They were and still are always interested in finding out about new things and are always open to finding out more about different people and religions and so forth. 

Funny story: When I was younger, my little sister Zoie and I would have regular Sunday “lessons” with our Jehovah’s Witness neigbour, we attended Pathfinder meetings at our local Seventh Day Adventist Church, never missed a weekend with Aunty Debbie’s Baha'i  Childrens’ Group and still had time to attend our own church events. Ok, this is more about religion than race, but the point is, our parents tried their best to get us exposed to as much as they possibly could have.

My mom, in all her years working in the hotel industry, has made tons and tons of friends.  She has been close friends with Aisans, Whites, Indians, Arabs… you name it, my mom has a friend who fits the bill.  On the day she married my father, her mom and dad were already dead and there was a dilemma with who would have been giving her away. The void was filled by her Lebanese and long time friend Elie Saoud.  That was about 21 years ago, and a great friendship still exists between them up to this day- a friendship that helped me to land my first ever summer job that lasted for a few years after.  My god father too is Arab. If I’m not mistaken, he’s from Syria.  Last year was the first in years that I had seen or heard from him since he left Antigua and moved to the states. He visited us a few times while he was on the island, sparing just enough time to debate politics with my dad on a few otherwise quite Sunday afternoons.  Oh, my dad! He was very much present in my childhood up until that point.  

Aunty Debbie, mentioned above, has been a family friend for YEARS!!! - Too many years to count.  She just happens to be white.  We love her and treat her just as our own flesh and blood. If you knew her, you’d be a fool to do otherwise.  Another good friend of my mom’s that I remember from my childhood was Bee. Well, I think that’s how her name’s spelt. Well, Bee made up a half of the couple that was Bee and Paul. Bee was asian and Paul was white.  We lost touch somewhere along the way but they are always in our thoughts. 

I can’t forget one of the biggest supporters of my education and my blog; Frank!  I’ve known Frank for only a few years but he has been quite the family member, for lack of a better word. All that’s missing is the flesh and blood.  He’s an amazing listener and a great advice giver.  These are all just a few of the great people whom I’ve grown to love and appreciate in my life thus far.

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So one would see how, after being accustomed to just a little bit of everything, having to face racism first hand would change ones outlook on life.  I am not one to pull the race card, at least I wasn’t until I got here. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that everyone in Morocco is racist but it is really hard for me to differentiate what is normal treatment to what is treatment based on the fact that I’m black.  I have made a few good friends and met some really nice people since I’ve been here, some of whom are Moroccan born and raised, but there has to be some breakthrough for me to feel more comfortable in my own skin here. Not because I'm ashamed, but because it just feels... I wish I could explain it.  

For example, I was in the market buying vegetables when someone tossed something at me. I have no idea what it was but I know it was aimed at me. The hit was too direct for it not to have been.  I mean, there were only two black people within a 50ft radius; my best friend and I so I guess it’s safe to say they wanted to hit me… and they did.  I didn’t see the coward who tossed whatever it was but it did bug me. A LOT!  I got over it more or less. Unfortunately however, it wasn’t the first time something like that has happened.  I would give other examples but I don’t want to sully the name of this country.  I have grown to like it here, but I guess I really need to concentrate on growing thicker skin.  As a straightforward, no nonsense gal, things like this tend to stay on my “This Bugs Me” list for quite some time.  In the 8 months that I’ve been here, I haven’t figured out how to maturely respond to racist acts against me but I’m working on it.

At least I can find solace in the fact that I had the kind of upbringing that bars me from this type of ignorance.  I know that I will never let something as stupid as skin be the defining factor for how I treat another, who I fall in love with, who I decided to befriend, lend a helping hand to or give a needed smile.  Life is way too short for that bullshit!  I think the variation of ethnicities, cultures, ideas and other customs that this world has to offer should be used to bring us together as opposed to pushing us apart. Everyone of us has something new and interesting to offer and I'll be damned if I let racism keep me from enjoying this life of mine.  Call me what you may but that will NEVER change the way I feel about the colour of my skin, my ethnicity, nationality, the texture of my hair, the shape of my body and the like…if you don't like it, who cares?  Deal with it!  

Much love

Den

HELP!!!!

I’m in trouble.  It has just hit me that I have a very serious problem. 

Have you guys ever seen that show (on Discovery Channel I think it is), where people are addicted to buying and storing things that the sometimes never use and they just have problems parting with. Htye become so physically attached to these things, so much so, they sometimes alienate themselves from their families in order to hold on to these things. Well, if you haven’t seen this show, this is an actual disease and it’s called hoarding.

 

Everyone… I’m a hoarder; but the worst kind… I hoard PEOPLE!  I don’t kill and store bodies but I do have a collection of people with which I am having problems parting.

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Why am I rambling on with this nonsense?  It’s pretty clear.  I need help getting certain people out of my life and keeping certain others out.  We’ve all made bad decisions in making friends and in choosing the people we date or that we have dated.  This is what I do… I meet someone that I may or may not be all too excited to befriend/date.  Sooner or later, I find out that this person is not being a positive element in my life in any shape or form but instead on getting rid of them (nicely of course)completely, I push them to the back of my “closet” hoping that I will someday soon find a use for them.  This sometimes goes on for months or even years!  Now, someone… ANYONE…please tell me that that’s not a problem!  And just like that, I find myself chin up in friendships that I really don’t need or even want and I feel… well… overwhelmed. 

For instance, here in Morocco, I’ve had to nip a few relationships -and a half budding one at, well, at the bud (do pardon my redundancy).  Unfortunately, I find myself unable to delete their numbers from my phone and sometimes, I feel the urge to text them to say hello.  Not because I need their companionship but because I genuinely find it hard to get rid of them. 

Back home, that has landed me in a lot of problems.  I text you, we start hanging out again and then I’m spiraling back into the relationship that I knew that I didn’t want before and still don’t want today.  I’m a pretty self-empowering, self-efficient person who takes joy in doing nothing more than sit out on the grass with her dogs or spend time with her loved ones so why do I feel the need to hold on to these stupid relationships?  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just with men that I have this problem but also with past close friends.  Sometimes the awkwardness is so thick but Madame Folle (Crazy en Francais) over here just won’t quit.

I know I’m always joking and although I am poking fun at myself a little, (I take this disease very seriously so I apologize for anyone who may feel offended by my using this term) in all seriousness, I do believe I have a problem.  I’m not sure if there is a technical/scientific term for my “people hoarding” but if there is, I’d like to know what it is (I’m too lazy to go searching myself).  If there isn’t such a term to define it, I hereby make it my business to give it a name…as soon as I figure one out.  That will be after I figure it out of course.

Wish me luck…

Den

When Boredom Strikes

Do you know that ex who is the ex because of his constant apologizing and promising to be better even though you both know that it’s all just a bunch of poppycock?  Well, it seems that, as it would relate to my relationship with my blog, I’m slowly turning into said ex.  Something must be done!  I don’t want to be dumped.  The final weeks of school and final exams are upon me so do bare with me.  I swear I will be better.  I really do swear…

Now, that’s enough with the begging and pleading...

This weekend is hands down, one of the best weekends I’ve had in the 8 plus months that I’ve been in Morocco.  Where do I even begin?  When we were coming here, we were made to believe that we were among Antigua and Barbuda’s best and brightest; HOWEVER, I must say, if we are who our country looks up to, we are a doomed and hopeless society… (I kid).  In all honesty though, we are a bunch of idiots, who if left to their own devices, can be up to much buffoonery.

We’re just a few days shy of our bi-monthly scholarship money- we are all pretty much broke and too proud to call home for any money.  Adding insult to injury, things have really been heating up in Africa (literally).  The summer heat is quickly approaching and I have never missed rain in my entire life as I miss it now.  It is HOT with a capital SCORCHING!!!!  So what do we do to combat the empty wallets and spring/summer heat?  We spend a weekend playing charades and going to the beach. 

The story begins like this…  A few of us were heading home from spending the last of our cash at the supermarket and as always, we begin to reminisce on home… Charades comes up then BAM! Next thing you know, we’re in the garden with only moonlight and a flew garden lights to guide us as we twist, turn and make ridiculous gestures in the name of fun and charades. 

Charades is one of the games my best friend and I enjoy to play.  Not only because we’re super good at it but if you’ve ever played the game, you know just how HILARIOUS it can get.  For us, it’s all about making things so hard that it’s almost im possible to act out, Thus being able to have a good laugh at our enemy team’s expense as they make complete idiots of themselves.  The other night was no exception and again, it was tons upon tons of buffoonery!

In the end, my team (The Power Rangers) ended up kicking Team Edward’s butt by a 35 or so point margin.  I know right?  What kind of name is Team Edward? They were just begging to lose. I like making things interesting, so the other Rangers and I decided that as punishment for messing with us throughout the game, Team Edward had to… well, see for yourself.

Yep!

My fav ensemble :).. He's too sexy!

The initial plan was to have them strut their stuff around campus but I could see they were extremely mortified by the idea so we decided at the last minute to just take pics of their humiliation.  Either way would have been fine by me :D.

Saturday afternoon was a killer! The sun was just pissed at the world and it felt like he was just sticking his tongue out as to say “Yeah.  I’m burning the hell outta yah today… what cha gone do about it?  That’s right… You can’t so a thing. Now bow to me you fools”.  Ok, perhaps I got a little carried away there. 

When the heat had become too unbearable, we packed a few (very few) snacks and some water and headed to Al Manal to get the bus to the beach.  After feeling like complete fools for waiting around for about an hour for the bus, having about three buses pass us because they were so full of other people going to the beach, and then being confused as to what we were going to do to get to the beach in the quickest possible time, we finally got one and were on our way. A great thing too, is that we discovered a new beach.  The weekend before, about six of us found one of the beaches in our area. That one was pretty crowded today and a little guy on the bus was nice enough to lead us to another beach which was just as crowded but likeable none the less.  I haven’t gone “swimming” at either beach and quite frankly, I’m not that inspired to …

I am used to this... but Morocco has... well... that :(

I know, I know. I need to be a little more open minded but I mean, the heart wants what the heart wants and If I won’t be able to pick up some phone numbers at the beach, a girl should at least be able to enjoy a clean, swimmable, beach!  I’m working on my outlook because it needs help :s 

Trying out the turban look...

Bestie♥

He thinks he's cute...

My girls (missing one)

Again :)

The gang!

Someone needed some "persuasion" to get into the water lol

  

Going Places and Doing... Stuff :)

*Chirp chirp chirp*

I know, I know...  Things have been a bit busy around here and I’ve been taking a lot of me/resting time hence my absence.  I’m working on getting back on the regular post path once again.   Please bare with me. It has been a while but throw me a bone!  I’m new to this and I AM going to school.

Nevertheless, I will apologize to you my very few (for now) but dedicated readers for my absence. It’s been what? A month?  Yikes! Not a good look :/.  I’m here now and will try to be more present from now on… It was going pretty good in the beginning. Never fear, I haven’t forsaken thee my poor blog.  Anyway, down to the business already…

I can finally take my winter coat down from the rack and nothing pleases me more!  It’s heating up pretty quickly here in Morocco and although I am most grateful for the “almost like home” weather, it is quite a bitter sweet moment.  Not only because I’ll miss wearing my ultra cute and versatile coat but also because this mad-man heat means that we’re slowly but surely coming up to the summer months. 

Why?  Who isn’t excited about SUMMER???? Me… That’s who!  Well to be honest, I am a little excited but I am also sad because I won’t be going home as I had mentioned before *tears*.  You must be thinking "boo hoo! look at this girl complaining about spending her Summer vacation in Africa!"  I know that tons of people would kill to get to enjoy the months of “teacher/student” bliss in as exotic a country as Morocco but I miss mi family and mi dogs :(. Did I also mention that ALL my friends were looking forward to seeing me and I them?  Talk about a double whammy.  But I’m not done just yet… My girlies here will be going off to the US and… yes… home L… while I'll be here, more or less alone.

Anyway, I try not to dwell on the negatives and I’m going into this with an open mind.  To get myself ready for what is to come, I’m planning to implement a “To-Do” list to keep myself occupied while I’m all lonely and stuff.  Numero un sur cette list… sorry… At the top of this list is making friends.  

How old am I right?  I honestly haven’t been making an effort to make friends (I can be pretty lazy when it comes to this but ironically, I like meeting new people.  I swear, it’s on all my personality profiles :P).

I have met two pretty cool locals recently and I’ve been hanging out with one of the two for a few weeks now.  I won’t say it’s a boy but that doesn’t matter.  They seem pretty cool for now (I hope they are) and I’ve been getting the rundown on the places to visit and what not so I hope that will help with my to do list. 

So the title of this post has something to do with doing things and going places non?  Well, here are some pics of what I’ve been doing/ where I’ve been going lately.  I’ve been trying to revive my former spontaneous self and it’s been working out for the most part.  My roommate and I went to this “Cirque de Soleil” type thing here last weekend.  We were just passing by the French Institute in Rabat (where we live) and we saw the poster up.  I have always wanted to see Cirque de Soleil so I kinda jumped on the opportunity… the tickets weren’t too steep so that made it even better.  We didn’t get many pics from that because they didn’t come out very well (all the movement).  It was pretty amazing for me and I can’t wait to see the REAL deal. Not saying it wasn’t real but you get the picture right?  There were tons of kids there and we were pretty much the best dressed ones there (i.e. we were too too too dressed up) but I had a great time… I may have said this before :p.

Happy Reading and stay tuned for the posts to come

Den

Hassan Tower & Mausoleum (Rabat, Morocco)

Curtis and Onica being all "tourist-y"

I need to learn to do less awkward things with my feet 

Don't ask :s

This guy is reading...

... to this guy... I know it's creepy but I just had to... I mean look at all that marble :O

BEAUTIFUL!!!!! 

 

Scared???

So this random girl walks up to us and asks to take a pic with us... for some reason I'm slouching in every single one of the pics... ugh

How mature is he :P

Trying a feminine, cutsie thing here..

...yup! I'm seen in public with these people

...

...no comment...

Chella 

So we get to Chella and it's a beautiful Roman ruin site/ botanical garden... SOMEBODY (Onica) didn't have enough battery life so we missed out on some pretty nice pics but I shall return again... with a charged camera :)...  I need to invest in one of those...

Somewhere in the Middle

I’ve been drifting between moods for a while now.  I contemplated starting this post with all the things I hate about what’s happening in my life right now but as you can see, I'v chosen to the cheerier route. 

I miss home :( … I'm sure this goes without saying. I’ve been trying my best however, to feel better… I will admit that I could try a little harder.

For days on end, I’ve been listening to the sultry, sad, bluesy melodies of Adele and that has done nothing to me but start a bawl-a-thon (I’m very in tune with my emotions… no apologies will be made for feeling feelings) but now I’ve changed my genre and Paramore’s alternative lyrics and beats aren’t really helping me that much either.  I’m looking for a healthy selection.... like something lying in between all of this. I miss home and there’s not much I can do when the feeling comes to me but at the same time, I should be enjoying the wonderful experience that I’ve been blessed with.  Do know that I am very grateful for this opportunity; but a girl has the right to feel how she feels… right? 

Adele’s songs of love lost, missed opportunities and feeling strongly for the "one who will never be" have been therapeutic in the sense that I get to sing along and get my emotions out but at the same time, they just make me... well... sad L. The worst part of this whole thing is, in a weird way, feeling sad is sort of my comfort.  Sounds crazy?  I’m on a quest to find something that reminds me of home but at the same time, not make me yearn for it so much that I reach the point of flooding my bed with tears.

I spoke to my sister and 3 year old nephew about two days ago.  He was so excited to talk to me and tell me that I was on the plane; count with his fingers, fiddle with the computer like a big boy, show me his school shoes (and his round belly) all while searching up and about the computer to find out exactly where I was hiding :D. I mean, how is aunty talking to me on this device right?  The kid has a right to know! 

I love him so much ♥  Then the same day, my mum calls and I speak with a nice lady from church who has always had a soft spot for me and vice versa.  Adding insult to injury, I spoke to my sister who just had a baby three months ago (I missed it L) and she misses me and said she should be sending me new pics of the baby soon…(sigh).  What an eventful afternoon my eyes had!  I held it together for as long as I could… I really tried. 

Good news is,  I should be heading home in a few short months, given that the rise in fuel prices doesn’t choose to foil my plans of freedom and spiritual redemption (i.e. regaining my sanity by hitting the concrete at V.C. Bird International Airport). 

In other news… I worked out for the first time in 4 months!  It was good but not as rejuvenating as I thought it was. I lost the vibe in the midst of setting up.  I was able to bear thorough it to the end. I did some yoga with my friends for about 20 minutes then I ended with a few abdominal exercises (do I sound too technical saying abdominal and not abs like the rest of the world?).  I’m feeling better about myself today but the sadness still lurks.

Before I go,  I want to say hi to my readers in Germany, Malaysia and Singapore.  It's pretty cool having readers from these countries… well at least to me!  Germany, I see you! You’ve been here quite a few times too!  Nice having you and I do hope that you will come again! Feel free to leave a “hello” for me in the comment box if you ever show up again or even email me (den4268@gmail.com).

A bientôt!  (That means “see you soon” in French or “the language I SHOULD be practicing” as it has been referred to lately.

Ooooohhh ooohhh oohhh!!! Say hello to my new teddy bear :D (I got him under special circumstances thanks to the creepy guy in the store)

 He doesn't really have a name yet. I’ve been trying out a few but none are really sticking...especially the first one (which, btw was a girl's name until I realized his features were more on the masculine side :D)  What do you guys think I should name him? 

Disaster Knows No Boundaries

I've always been traumatized by the occurrence of natural disasters.  The only natural disaster that I have ever really experienced in my life were mild earthquakes and hurricanes-not at all the "disastrous" kind. For that I am so grateful.

I'm sure everyone has heard about the great misfortune that has occurred in Japan today.  If you haven't yet, then I'm glad that you will be learning something from me, irregardless of the fact that it comes in the form of bad news.  From the reports that I've been following (sorry if I come off all "journalisty") a 8.9 magnitude earthquake preceded an equally destructive tsunami (23 foot wave) in bringing devastation to the people of Japan.  Some 200 to 300 bodies were found and hundreds more have been reported missing and are mostly likely feared dead.

This probably goes without saying, but my heart as well as the hearts of so many people across this great planet, goes out to the people of Japan but I'm sure that just like me, there are also many others who just wish to find the right words to express how we really feel.

Funny enough, I was just chatting with my friend Janene about the importance of not giving too much importance to money before going online and being greeted by this unfortunate news.  On an episode of one of my favourite tv shows (NBC's Community), guest star LeVar Burton (the guy from Reading Rainbow) tells Britta that she's stupid with her money because she was willing to give up her last $216 dollars to pay him to stay around long enough for her friend Troy (LeVar's biggest fan) to find the guts to actually say something to the man instead of stare at him with a dumbfounded expression.  Anyway, I was saying that I may be stupid with my money too as I may have done this in the past and my still do that from time to time.  In brief, I was just saying that some of the things in life that we put so much value to are really not worth the time and effort we put into them... like obsessing over money. Now I'm not saying that I should run around spending money like an idiot but at the same time, if I'm having a bad time and I want to treat myself and/or my friends because I think it will cheer me up, then I'm gonna do it!

I mean, life's so short and obsessing over the little things and even some of the big things, in truth, it's just that... obsessing over them because they really only add or take away as from our lives as much as we want them to or allow them to.  Do you understand?

I've been lucky this far in life to have never experienced such a great, personal tragedy but who knows when my time for this great suffering will come? Who knows?  So I have pledged my life to enjoying it irregardless of the bad times.   It has been hard since I came to that realization a few years ago (especially since I've been here in Morocco) but it's something that I'm working on seeing to fulfillment.  Life's too short and I want to make sure each occasion I get to enjoy it is duly seized.

Who's with me?

I hope we will all take some time to say a prayer or express our concerns for the people in Japan any way we see fit. Not as an empty display but out of genuine love and compassion...

Love is a Losing Game

Hey guys.  First off, do allow me to apologize for not having updated my blog for quite some time. I know that you, my very few but still valued and loyal readers have probably been wondering why this was so. 

First reason, I’ve been missing home badly and have been hiding away in my hole for a little while – terribly unhappy and pretty much uninspired.  My second reason however, is the one that has had a greater role to play in my absence and that is the fact that I decided to pay my internet service provider for services that have yet to be rendered.  I went in to their offices the other day with my Caribbean flare (not the good one) held under wraps but I can’t be sure that this will be the case the next time around.  Anyway, I’m here now.

You would remember that my last post was on Valentines’ Day and was all full of love and what not.  When I decided to start this blog, in the back of my mind but in very bold letters  it was well noted that I WOULD NOT TURN MY BLOG INTO THE OLE’ HIGH SCHOOL JOURNAL.  What that means is that I have no intentions of lacing it with stories about this boy, that boy and how much I loved, lost and have missed out on love.  I made another mental note that the Valentines' Day post was an exception; after all, it WAS Valentines’ Day and I didn’t want to come off as being bitter. This time however, I have no plausible reason for this post and I have no intentions of giving any explanation to myself or anyone else. 

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never been in love but I have dated quite a bit. My moments of doing the dating dance were never anything really serious (at least in my mind) but there have, without a doubt, been feelings involved.

I was watching a cute, little documentary called Paper Heart the other night. This documentary was about a young woman who “didn’t/doesn’t believe in love” and was travelling across America, trying to find out what LOVE means to the rest of the world and what this whole phenomena is all about. So she interviewed couples, each giving their take on relationships and ofcourse, LOVE (and TRUE LOVE at that).  I could relate with this poor girl’s confusion about the whole concept of love but unlike her, I do believe in love and TRUE LOVE doesn’t seem impossible to me either.

I think that the common misconception that we all have is that love/true love is measured by time and although that does have a role to play in everything, it’s not the definitive factor.  What I mean is, we think that when we fall in love and think it’s true love, we intend for it to always last FOREVER.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I mean who doesn’t want to love and be loved by the love of their life for the rest of their lives right? At the same time however, should things not go the way we want them to go, that should not give grounds to saying that you didn’t truly love the person or that they didn’t truly love you right back. It also isn’t grounds to say that it wasn’t true love. 

True love, in my untrained eyes is based on how that person makes you feel, how you make them feel and the genuine, unquestionable existence of a passionate, strong, and pure bond between the two of you that is unlike anything you’ve ever known.  My opinion, as an inexperienced young mind in this matter of love is that we can find true love with more than one person in our entire lives.  It’s just a matter of finding the true love that encompasses everything that you need.

You know that you can love someone so much and they can feel the very same way about you but you’re just not meant to be?  Does this mean that what you have isn’t true love? 

Amy Winehouse (one of my all time favourite voices to listen to) has a song that sums it all up; Love is a Losing Game.  That’s just what it is.  Amy may not be the best person to take love advice from (if you know about her, you would know what I mean) but she’s so lyrically, and melodiously correct.  When you love, you lose a lot.  You lose your mind, your pride, your heart, your life; all of this can be looked at in both a positive and negative light. Just think about it!  The love that an old couple, having been together for fifty or so years, has shared can be the very same, genuine love that a couple having been together for a year or less would have experienced.  Should the second couple decide to end their relationship after the year or whenever, does this mean that they didn’t have TRUE LOVE?

I love someone.

I literally woke up to this revelation one morning a couple months ago.  Now, I’m not crazy. It did just come to me as I slept, trying to avoid the morning before me.  I know without a doubt that I love this guy but I haven’t said anything to ANYONE about it until now.  Is this an effect of growing older?  I don’t feel the need to rush to my closest friends with the news.  Then again, there are so many reasons for this.

I love him. I seem to not be able to stop saying it (I don’t even know why I’m saying this), however, I’m not quite sure that I wish to do anything about it.  I don’t know exactly why I love him but I do.  He’s not my “type” per se and we’re just friends.  I don’t know what is going on inside his head but the heart knows what it knows and feels what it feels.  It’s more of an emotional connection as opposed to a physical. Don’t get me wrong, he is a beautiful man but I’ve dated a more handsome guy in the past. That’s how I know that it’s real.  I always knew that I would feel love when it came but it’s not that easy to explain. I could think to blame being so far away from home, missing my family and my dogs and my friends as the reason for my feeling this way about him but it was just before I got to Morocco that I realized how I felt about him.  That’s quite a long time to keep it a secret.

I’m not so much afraid of disappointment as I am terrified of commitment.  Does that sound stupid?  It kinda does to me.  I wouldn’t care as much if he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I would should he feel the same way about me.  I doubt either of us is ready for any type of commitment (especially given the fact that he’s nowhere near Morocco) and although it’s not very impossible, I’m not quite sure if I want to try.  But it never hurts to try… right?

A few things could happen;

1.    I could tell him how I feel and find out he doesn’t feel the same way... loose a friend because things get awkward.

2.    I could choose not to tell him how I feel and risk the chance of losing him because I move on very fast lately.

3.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we try a relationship and we fail.

4.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way we agree not to try and never know what could have been.

5.   I could tell him how I feel, he not feel the same way but says he’s willing to try and I lose a friend because his “pity” insults my pride.

6.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we fall hopelessly in love and loose ourselves in each other.

…

Love is a losing game

Forgiving & Forgetting

Forgive and forget.  

I have always found this whole concept of forgiving and forgetting pretty intriguing and awfully confusing.  I'm sure I'm not alone here.  Am I?

I mean we're all faced with dilemmas at some point or another, be it with our friends, family, peers or sometimes even random strangers, where we can either choose to forgive someone who has wronged us and move on with our lives OR we could stay pissed forever and hate every waking minute of the rest of their lives.  

I am unsparingly and incomprehensibly torn on the matter.  You see, I find myself to be a very forgiving person who can still hold a mean grudge - quite the paradox isn't it?  Does this mean I'm not forgiving?

A few days ago, I was enjoying an afternoon with two friends of mine and we ended up talking about past relationships. For someone who has never had a serious relationship in her 20 years of living I  have quite a lot of interesting stories to share about the men that have been in my life.  Now this isn't about them per se, but they were kinda what inspired this post. 

I am still single so it's quite pointless to say that ALL of the "relationships" briefly referred to above did not have happy endings. From one lying, manipulative jerk to another, I have bounced around (not in a skanky way of course)  the dating scene and trust me, I have been forgiving! If only you all knew the guys I've dated :S

You see, I've always told myself that although guy X was not the one for me and may have ended up to be a complete A-hole, I can still give a friendly hello from time to time should we bump into each other, sometimes even a hug!  There have even been instances where I have actually hung out with one or two of these guys after the fact i.e. doing something to offend/upset me to the point of ending "whatever it was" that was going on between us and making me not wanting to see their face for as long as we both shall live. 

He knows what I'm talking about

I look at it this way; each of these relationships helped me to grow in some way or form.  For one, they have taught me what I absolutely DO NOT want in a boyfriend and each experience has been with a different person which means different personalities (and some similarities), thus allowing me the opportunity to learn to deal with different character traits.  Trust me, there have been some challenges but I made it out okay for the most part.

My friends have gone through earfuls of rants about which guy just knows how to get under my skin, guy B having me completely confused about one thing or the other, guy F not being the one for me and my not knowing how to break it off.  I look back at each of these guys and I smile ( and say a few choice words) but they truly weren't all THAT bad.  

But as much as I like to say that I've forgiven these guys, or anyone else who has seriously wronged me, there is just no way for me to confidently say that I've forgotten what caused the rift between us in the first place. Does this mean that I haven't truly forgiven? - Here lies my problem.

Yeah, beats me too

There are other people who prance about the place and seem to genuinely have  the gift of forgiveness or what not but what I NEED to know is this; have they TRULY been able to forgive and have they eliminated EVERY morsel of hate/anger that may have built up inside them after being wronged?  Or are they as confused and pretentious about the whole thing as I am?  If the former is the case, I truly want for one of them to teach me how it's done :(/clunk me over the head with the "forgiveness" mallet.

For me, it is pretty easy to stay upset at someone for weeks or months and in severe situations, years! But there is a point where I just think that being mad is stupid and although I don't screw my face up when I see said person(s), I don't really care to say anything to them ever again. I SAY it's because I have forgiven them but I really don't think I have.  I mean, I don't really HATE them anymore but I don't actually LIKE them either :S This is so HARD!!!!!!

It's pretty clear that when a serious, major dispute has occurred, odds are things between the parties may never be the same again but is there a way to forgive and forget without there being any underlying tension or distinct awkwardness? How do you know that you've actually come to the point of forgiveness? When you can give the person a genuine hug or compliment or some other greeting?  I don't think I've quite acquired this part because my mind tends to flash back.

Is this the same way for people whom we've offended? Clearly I have offended many-a-man/woman and child in my lifetime.. What?  I'm not perfect. 

I'm on a soul searching mission (then again, when am I not?)  and genuine forgiveness is one of those things that I need to contemplate some more.  

Wish me luck!