Forgiving & Forgetting

Forgive and forget.  

I have always found this whole concept of forgiving and forgetting pretty intriguing and awfully confusing.  I'm sure I'm not alone here.  Am I?

I mean we're all faced with dilemmas at some point or another, be it with our friends, family, peers or sometimes even random strangers, where we can either choose to forgive someone who has wronged us and move on with our lives OR we could stay pissed forever and hate every waking minute of the rest of their lives.  

I am unsparingly and incomprehensibly torn on the matter.  You see, I find myself to be a very forgiving person who can still hold a mean grudge - quite the paradox isn't it?  Does this mean I'm not forgiving?

A few days ago, I was enjoying an afternoon with two friends of mine and we ended up talking about past relationships. For someone who has never had a serious relationship in her 20 years of living I  have quite a lot of interesting stories to share about the men that have been in my life.  Now this isn't about them per se, but they were kinda what inspired this post. 

I am still single so it's quite pointless to say that ALL of the "relationships" briefly referred to above did not have happy endings. From one lying, manipulative jerk to another, I have bounced around (not in a skanky way of course)  the dating scene and trust me, I have been forgiving! If only you all knew the guys I've dated :S

You see, I've always told myself that although guy X was not the one for me and may have ended up to be a complete A-hole, I can still give a friendly hello from time to time should we bump into each other, sometimes even a hug!  There have even been instances where I have actually hung out with one or two of these guys after the fact i.e. doing something to offend/upset me to the point of ending "whatever it was" that was going on between us and making me not wanting to see their face for as long as we both shall live. 

He knows what I'm talking about

I look at it this way; each of these relationships helped me to grow in some way or form.  For one, they have taught me what I absolutely DO NOT want in a boyfriend and each experience has been with a different person which means different personalities (and some similarities), thus allowing me the opportunity to learn to deal with different character traits.  Trust me, there have been some challenges but I made it out okay for the most part.

My friends have gone through earfuls of rants about which guy just knows how to get under my skin, guy B having me completely confused about one thing or the other, guy F not being the one for me and my not knowing how to break it off.  I look back at each of these guys and I smile ( and say a few choice words) but they truly weren't all THAT bad.  

But as much as I like to say that I've forgiven these guys, or anyone else who has seriously wronged me, there is just no way for me to confidently say that I've forgotten what caused the rift between us in the first place. Does this mean that I haven't truly forgiven? - Here lies my problem.

Yeah, beats me too

There are other people who prance about the place and seem to genuinely have  the gift of forgiveness or what not but what I NEED to know is this; have they TRULY been able to forgive and have they eliminated EVERY morsel of hate/anger that may have built up inside them after being wronged?  Or are they as confused and pretentious about the whole thing as I am?  If the former is the case, I truly want for one of them to teach me how it's done :(/clunk me over the head with the "forgiveness" mallet.

For me, it is pretty easy to stay upset at someone for weeks or months and in severe situations, years! But there is a point where I just think that being mad is stupid and although I don't screw my face up when I see said person(s), I don't really care to say anything to them ever again. I SAY it's because I have forgiven them but I really don't think I have.  I mean, I don't really HATE them anymore but I don't actually LIKE them either :S This is so HARD!!!!!!

It's pretty clear that when a serious, major dispute has occurred, odds are things between the parties may never be the same again but is there a way to forgive and forget without there being any underlying tension or distinct awkwardness? How do you know that you've actually come to the point of forgiveness? When you can give the person a genuine hug or compliment or some other greeting?  I don't think I've quite acquired this part because my mind tends to flash back.

Is this the same way for people whom we've offended? Clearly I have offended many-a-man/woman and child in my lifetime.. What?  I'm not perfect. 

I'm on a soul searching mission (then again, when am I not?)  and genuine forgiveness is one of those things that I need to contemplate some more.  

Wish me luck!