Let's Talk About Race

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Just as its counterparts religion and sexuality and even sex (as in male and female) have been hot button topics for many a decade, this whole issue of race has caused quite the controversy among us earthlings.  The intellectuals love to say that we are all one in the same,  that we are all of the same race –the human race- but as much as I agree and support this ideology, we all know that this isn’t the case in the real world...at least, in parts of it.  So moving on from beating around the bush with this human race chit chat, let’s delve into the matter at hand. 

Now let me first start off by saying thanks to God (feel free to insert whichever being you choose to believe in here if it makes you more comfortable) for giving me parents as open minded as mine.  Believe it or not, ideas of racism, racial supremacy, bigotry and such the like did not really have an effect on me until much much later in my life.  I, more or less, was unscathed by all of this nonsense –that's what I think of it- until I got to high school. Yes, I knew all about slavery, I knew about racism but at the same time, the environment, and I guess I can say the country in which I grew up, made all of this seem alien and too distant for me to really give a damn.  In life however, we know that as we grow, we learn more and become more aware, or dare I say disillusioned by the wonderful world that we call home and its workings.

My parents worked in the hotel industry for many years and I grew up that mixed environment. I met different people from different parts of the world, different ethnicities and beliefs and my parents always nurtured this idea of exploration with us. They were and still are always interested in finding out about new things and are always open to finding out more about different people and religions and so forth. 

Funny story: When I was younger, my little sister Zoie and I would have regular Sunday “lessons” with our Jehovah’s Witness neigbour, we attended Pathfinder meetings at our local Seventh Day Adventist Church, never missed a weekend with Aunty Debbie’s Baha'i  Childrens’ Group and still had time to attend our own church events. Ok, this is more about religion than race, but the point is, our parents tried their best to get us exposed to as much as they possibly could have.

My mom, in all her years working in the hotel industry, has made tons and tons of friends.  She has been close friends with Aisans, Whites, Indians, Arabs… you name it, my mom has a friend who fits the bill.  On the day she married my father, her mom and dad were already dead and there was a dilemma with who would have been giving her away. The void was filled by her Lebanese and long time friend Elie Saoud.  That was about 21 years ago, and a great friendship still exists between them up to this day- a friendship that helped me to land my first ever summer job that lasted for a few years after.  My god father too is Arab. If I’m not mistaken, he’s from Syria.  Last year was the first in years that I had seen or heard from him since he left Antigua and moved to the states. He visited us a few times while he was on the island, sparing just enough time to debate politics with my dad on a few otherwise quite Sunday afternoons.  Oh, my dad! He was very much present in my childhood up until that point.  

Aunty Debbie, mentioned above, has been a family friend for YEARS!!! - Too many years to count.  She just happens to be white.  We love her and treat her just as our own flesh and blood. If you knew her, you’d be a fool to do otherwise.  Another good friend of my mom’s that I remember from my childhood was Bee. Well, I think that’s how her name’s spelt. Well, Bee made up a half of the couple that was Bee and Paul. Bee was asian and Paul was white.  We lost touch somewhere along the way but they are always in our thoughts. 

I can’t forget one of the biggest supporters of my education and my blog; Frank!  I’ve known Frank for only a few years but he has been quite the family member, for lack of a better word. All that’s missing is the flesh and blood.  He’s an amazing listener and a great advice giver.  These are all just a few of the great people whom I’ve grown to love and appreciate in my life thus far.

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So one would see how, after being accustomed to just a little bit of everything, having to face racism first hand would change ones outlook on life.  I am not one to pull the race card, at least I wasn’t until I got here. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that everyone in Morocco is racist but it is really hard for me to differentiate what is normal treatment to what is treatment based on the fact that I’m black.  I have made a few good friends and met some really nice people since I’ve been here, some of whom are Moroccan born and raised, but there has to be some breakthrough for me to feel more comfortable in my own skin here. Not because I'm ashamed, but because it just feels... I wish I could explain it.  

For example, I was in the market buying vegetables when someone tossed something at me. I have no idea what it was but I know it was aimed at me. The hit was too direct for it not to have been.  I mean, there were only two black people within a 50ft radius; my best friend and I so I guess it’s safe to say they wanted to hit me… and they did.  I didn’t see the coward who tossed whatever it was but it did bug me. A LOT!  I got over it more or less. Unfortunately however, it wasn’t the first time something like that has happened.  I would give other examples but I don’t want to sully the name of this country.  I have grown to like it here, but I guess I really need to concentrate on growing thicker skin.  As a straightforward, no nonsense gal, things like this tend to stay on my “This Bugs Me” list for quite some time.  In the 8 months that I’ve been here, I haven’t figured out how to maturely respond to racist acts against me but I’m working on it.

At least I can find solace in the fact that I had the kind of upbringing that bars me from this type of ignorance.  I know that I will never let something as stupid as skin be the defining factor for how I treat another, who I fall in love with, who I decided to befriend, lend a helping hand to or give a needed smile.  Life is way too short for that bullshit!  I think the variation of ethnicities, cultures, ideas and other customs that this world has to offer should be used to bring us together as opposed to pushing us apart. Everyone of us has something new and interesting to offer and I'll be damned if I let racism keep me from enjoying this life of mine.  Call me what you may but that will NEVER change the way I feel about the colour of my skin, my ethnicity, nationality, the texture of my hair, the shape of my body and the like…if you don't like it, who cares?  Deal with it!  

Much love

Den

HELP!!!!

I’m in trouble.  It has just hit me that I have a very serious problem. 

Have you guys ever seen that show (on Discovery Channel I think it is), where people are addicted to buying and storing things that the sometimes never use and they just have problems parting with. Htye become so physically attached to these things, so much so, they sometimes alienate themselves from their families in order to hold on to these things. Well, if you haven’t seen this show, this is an actual disease and it’s called hoarding.

 

Everyone… I’m a hoarder; but the worst kind… I hoard PEOPLE!  I don’t kill and store bodies but I do have a collection of people with which I am having problems parting.

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Why am I rambling on with this nonsense?  It’s pretty clear.  I need help getting certain people out of my life and keeping certain others out.  We’ve all made bad decisions in making friends and in choosing the people we date or that we have dated.  This is what I do… I meet someone that I may or may not be all too excited to befriend/date.  Sooner or later, I find out that this person is not being a positive element in my life in any shape or form but instead on getting rid of them (nicely of course)completely, I push them to the back of my “closet” hoping that I will someday soon find a use for them.  This sometimes goes on for months or even years!  Now, someone… ANYONE…please tell me that that’s not a problem!  And just like that, I find myself chin up in friendships that I really don’t need or even want and I feel… well… overwhelmed. 

For instance, here in Morocco, I’ve had to nip a few relationships -and a half budding one at, well, at the bud (do pardon my redundancy).  Unfortunately, I find myself unable to delete their numbers from my phone and sometimes, I feel the urge to text them to say hello.  Not because I need their companionship but because I genuinely find it hard to get rid of them. 

Back home, that has landed me in a lot of problems.  I text you, we start hanging out again and then I’m spiraling back into the relationship that I knew that I didn’t want before and still don’t want today.  I’m a pretty self-empowering, self-efficient person who takes joy in doing nothing more than sit out on the grass with her dogs or spend time with her loved ones so why do I feel the need to hold on to these stupid relationships?  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not just with men that I have this problem but also with past close friends.  Sometimes the awkwardness is so thick but Madame Folle (Crazy en Francais) over here just won’t quit.

I know I’m always joking and although I am poking fun at myself a little, (I take this disease very seriously so I apologize for anyone who may feel offended by my using this term) in all seriousness, I do believe I have a problem.  I’m not sure if there is a technical/scientific term for my “people hoarding” but if there is, I’d like to know what it is (I’m too lazy to go searching myself).  If there isn’t such a term to define it, I hereby make it my business to give it a name…as soon as I figure one out.  That will be after I figure it out of course.

Wish me luck…

Den

When Boredom Strikes

Do you know that ex who is the ex because of his constant apologizing and promising to be better even though you both know that it’s all just a bunch of poppycock?  Well, it seems that, as it would relate to my relationship with my blog, I’m slowly turning into said ex.  Something must be done!  I don’t want to be dumped.  The final weeks of school and final exams are upon me so do bare with me.  I swear I will be better.  I really do swear…

Now, that’s enough with the begging and pleading...

This weekend is hands down, one of the best weekends I’ve had in the 8 plus months that I’ve been in Morocco.  Where do I even begin?  When we were coming here, we were made to believe that we were among Antigua and Barbuda’s best and brightest; HOWEVER, I must say, if we are who our country looks up to, we are a doomed and hopeless society… (I kid).  In all honesty though, we are a bunch of idiots, who if left to their own devices, can be up to much buffoonery.

We’re just a few days shy of our bi-monthly scholarship money- we are all pretty much broke and too proud to call home for any money.  Adding insult to injury, things have really been heating up in Africa (literally).  The summer heat is quickly approaching and I have never missed rain in my entire life as I miss it now.  It is HOT with a capital SCORCHING!!!!  So what do we do to combat the empty wallets and spring/summer heat?  We spend a weekend playing charades and going to the beach. 

The story begins like this…  A few of us were heading home from spending the last of our cash at the supermarket and as always, we begin to reminisce on home… Charades comes up then BAM! Next thing you know, we’re in the garden with only moonlight and a flew garden lights to guide us as we twist, turn and make ridiculous gestures in the name of fun and charades. 

Charades is one of the games my best friend and I enjoy to play.  Not only because we’re super good at it but if you’ve ever played the game, you know just how HILARIOUS it can get.  For us, it’s all about making things so hard that it’s almost im possible to act out, Thus being able to have a good laugh at our enemy team’s expense as they make complete idiots of themselves.  The other night was no exception and again, it was tons upon tons of buffoonery!

In the end, my team (The Power Rangers) ended up kicking Team Edward’s butt by a 35 or so point margin.  I know right?  What kind of name is Team Edward? They were just begging to lose. I like making things interesting, so the other Rangers and I decided that as punishment for messing with us throughout the game, Team Edward had to… well, see for yourself.

Yep!

My fav ensemble :).. He's too sexy!

The initial plan was to have them strut their stuff around campus but I could see they were extremely mortified by the idea so we decided at the last minute to just take pics of their humiliation.  Either way would have been fine by me :D.

Saturday afternoon was a killer! The sun was just pissed at the world and it felt like he was just sticking his tongue out as to say “Yeah.  I’m burning the hell outta yah today… what cha gone do about it?  That’s right… You can’t so a thing. Now bow to me you fools”.  Ok, perhaps I got a little carried away there. 

When the heat had become too unbearable, we packed a few (very few) snacks and some water and headed to Al Manal to get the bus to the beach.  After feeling like complete fools for waiting around for about an hour for the bus, having about three buses pass us because they were so full of other people going to the beach, and then being confused as to what we were going to do to get to the beach in the quickest possible time, we finally got one and were on our way. A great thing too, is that we discovered a new beach.  The weekend before, about six of us found one of the beaches in our area. That one was pretty crowded today and a little guy on the bus was nice enough to lead us to another beach which was just as crowded but likeable none the less.  I haven’t gone “swimming” at either beach and quite frankly, I’m not that inspired to …

I am used to this... but Morocco has... well... that :(

I know, I know. I need to be a little more open minded but I mean, the heart wants what the heart wants and If I won’t be able to pick up some phone numbers at the beach, a girl should at least be able to enjoy a clean, swimmable, beach!  I’m working on my outlook because it needs help :s 

Trying out the turban look...

Bestie♥

He thinks he's cute...

My girls (missing one)

Again :)

The gang!

Someone needed some "persuasion" to get into the water lol

  

Going Places and Doing... Stuff :)

*Chirp chirp chirp*

I know, I know...  Things have been a bit busy around here and I’ve been taking a lot of me/resting time hence my absence.  I’m working on getting back on the regular post path once again.   Please bare with me. It has been a while but throw me a bone!  I’m new to this and I AM going to school.

Nevertheless, I will apologize to you my very few (for now) but dedicated readers for my absence. It’s been what? A month?  Yikes! Not a good look :/.  I’m here now and will try to be more present from now on… It was going pretty good in the beginning. Never fear, I haven’t forsaken thee my poor blog.  Anyway, down to the business already…

I can finally take my winter coat down from the rack and nothing pleases me more!  It’s heating up pretty quickly here in Morocco and although I am most grateful for the “almost like home” weather, it is quite a bitter sweet moment.  Not only because I’ll miss wearing my ultra cute and versatile coat but also because this mad-man heat means that we’re slowly but surely coming up to the summer months. 

Why?  Who isn’t excited about SUMMER???? Me… That’s who!  Well to be honest, I am a little excited but I am also sad because I won’t be going home as I had mentioned before *tears*.  You must be thinking "boo hoo! look at this girl complaining about spending her Summer vacation in Africa!"  I know that tons of people would kill to get to enjoy the months of “teacher/student” bliss in as exotic a country as Morocco but I miss mi family and mi dogs :(. Did I also mention that ALL my friends were looking forward to seeing me and I them?  Talk about a double whammy.  But I’m not done just yet… My girlies here will be going off to the US and… yes… home L… while I'll be here, more or less alone.

Anyway, I try not to dwell on the negatives and I’m going into this with an open mind.  To get myself ready for what is to come, I’m planning to implement a “To-Do” list to keep myself occupied while I’m all lonely and stuff.  Numero un sur cette list… sorry… At the top of this list is making friends.  

How old am I right?  I honestly haven’t been making an effort to make friends (I can be pretty lazy when it comes to this but ironically, I like meeting new people.  I swear, it’s on all my personality profiles :P).

I have met two pretty cool locals recently and I’ve been hanging out with one of the two for a few weeks now.  I won’t say it’s a boy but that doesn’t matter.  They seem pretty cool for now (I hope they are) and I’ve been getting the rundown on the places to visit and what not so I hope that will help with my to do list. 

So the title of this post has something to do with doing things and going places non?  Well, here are some pics of what I’ve been doing/ where I’ve been going lately.  I’ve been trying to revive my former spontaneous self and it’s been working out for the most part.  My roommate and I went to this “Cirque de Soleil” type thing here last weekend.  We were just passing by the French Institute in Rabat (where we live) and we saw the poster up.  I have always wanted to see Cirque de Soleil so I kinda jumped on the opportunity… the tickets weren’t too steep so that made it even better.  We didn’t get many pics from that because they didn’t come out very well (all the movement).  It was pretty amazing for me and I can’t wait to see the REAL deal. Not saying it wasn’t real but you get the picture right?  There were tons of kids there and we were pretty much the best dressed ones there (i.e. we were too too too dressed up) but I had a great time… I may have said this before :p.

Happy Reading and stay tuned for the posts to come

Den

Hassan Tower & Mausoleum (Rabat, Morocco)

Curtis and Onica being all "tourist-y"

I need to learn to do less awkward things with my feet 

Don't ask :s

This guy is reading...

... to this guy... I know it's creepy but I just had to... I mean look at all that marble :O

BEAUTIFUL!!!!! 

 

Scared???

So this random girl walks up to us and asks to take a pic with us... for some reason I'm slouching in every single one of the pics... ugh

How mature is he :P

Trying a feminine, cutsie thing here..

...yup! I'm seen in public with these people

...

...no comment...

Chella 

So we get to Chella and it's a beautiful Roman ruin site/ botanical garden... SOMEBODY (Onica) didn't have enough battery life so we missed out on some pretty nice pics but I shall return again... with a charged camera :)...  I need to invest in one of those...

Somewhere in the Middle

I’ve been drifting between moods for a while now.  I contemplated starting this post with all the things I hate about what’s happening in my life right now but as you can see, I'v chosen to the cheerier route. 

I miss home :( … I'm sure this goes without saying. I’ve been trying my best however, to feel better… I will admit that I could try a little harder.

For days on end, I’ve been listening to the sultry, sad, bluesy melodies of Adele and that has done nothing to me but start a bawl-a-thon (I’m very in tune with my emotions… no apologies will be made for feeling feelings) but now I’ve changed my genre and Paramore’s alternative lyrics and beats aren’t really helping me that much either.  I’m looking for a healthy selection.... like something lying in between all of this. I miss home and there’s not much I can do when the feeling comes to me but at the same time, I should be enjoying the wonderful experience that I’ve been blessed with.  Do know that I am very grateful for this opportunity; but a girl has the right to feel how she feels… right? 

Adele’s songs of love lost, missed opportunities and feeling strongly for the "one who will never be" have been therapeutic in the sense that I get to sing along and get my emotions out but at the same time, they just make me... well... sad L. The worst part of this whole thing is, in a weird way, feeling sad is sort of my comfort.  Sounds crazy?  I’m on a quest to find something that reminds me of home but at the same time, not make me yearn for it so much that I reach the point of flooding my bed with tears.

I spoke to my sister and 3 year old nephew about two days ago.  He was so excited to talk to me and tell me that I was on the plane; count with his fingers, fiddle with the computer like a big boy, show me his school shoes (and his round belly) all while searching up and about the computer to find out exactly where I was hiding :D. I mean, how is aunty talking to me on this device right?  The kid has a right to know! 

I love him so much ♥  Then the same day, my mum calls and I speak with a nice lady from church who has always had a soft spot for me and vice versa.  Adding insult to injury, I spoke to my sister who just had a baby three months ago (I missed it L) and she misses me and said she should be sending me new pics of the baby soon…(sigh).  What an eventful afternoon my eyes had!  I held it together for as long as I could… I really tried. 

Good news is,  I should be heading home in a few short months, given that the rise in fuel prices doesn’t choose to foil my plans of freedom and spiritual redemption (i.e. regaining my sanity by hitting the concrete at V.C. Bird International Airport). 

In other news… I worked out for the first time in 4 months!  It was good but not as rejuvenating as I thought it was. I lost the vibe in the midst of setting up.  I was able to bear thorough it to the end. I did some yoga with my friends for about 20 minutes then I ended with a few abdominal exercises (do I sound too technical saying abdominal and not abs like the rest of the world?).  I’m feeling better about myself today but the sadness still lurks.

Before I go,  I want to say hi to my readers in Germany, Malaysia and Singapore.  It's pretty cool having readers from these countries… well at least to me!  Germany, I see you! You’ve been here quite a few times too!  Nice having you and I do hope that you will come again! Feel free to leave a “hello” for me in the comment box if you ever show up again or even email me (den4268@gmail.com).

A bientôt!  (That means “see you soon” in French or “the language I SHOULD be practicing” as it has been referred to lately.

Ooooohhh ooohhh oohhh!!! Say hello to my new teddy bear :D (I got him under special circumstances thanks to the creepy guy in the store)

 He doesn't really have a name yet. I’ve been trying out a few but none are really sticking...especially the first one (which, btw was a girl's name until I realized his features were more on the masculine side :D)  What do you guys think I should name him? 

Disaster Knows No Boundaries

I've always been traumatized by the occurrence of natural disasters.  The only natural disaster that I have ever really experienced in my life were mild earthquakes and hurricanes-not at all the "disastrous" kind. For that I am so grateful.

I'm sure everyone has heard about the great misfortune that has occurred in Japan today.  If you haven't yet, then I'm glad that you will be learning something from me, irregardless of the fact that it comes in the form of bad news.  From the reports that I've been following (sorry if I come off all "journalisty") a 8.9 magnitude earthquake preceded an equally destructive tsunami (23 foot wave) in bringing devastation to the people of Japan.  Some 200 to 300 bodies were found and hundreds more have been reported missing and are mostly likely feared dead.

This probably goes without saying, but my heart as well as the hearts of so many people across this great planet, goes out to the people of Japan but I'm sure that just like me, there are also many others who just wish to find the right words to express how we really feel.

Funny enough, I was just chatting with my friend Janene about the importance of not giving too much importance to money before going online and being greeted by this unfortunate news.  On an episode of one of my favourite tv shows (NBC's Community), guest star LeVar Burton (the guy from Reading Rainbow) tells Britta that she's stupid with her money because she was willing to give up her last $216 dollars to pay him to stay around long enough for her friend Troy (LeVar's biggest fan) to find the guts to actually say something to the man instead of stare at him with a dumbfounded expression.  Anyway, I was saying that I may be stupid with my money too as I may have done this in the past and my still do that from time to time.  In brief, I was just saying that some of the things in life that we put so much value to are really not worth the time and effort we put into them... like obsessing over money. Now I'm not saying that I should run around spending money like an idiot but at the same time, if I'm having a bad time and I want to treat myself and/or my friends because I think it will cheer me up, then I'm gonna do it!

I mean, life's so short and obsessing over the little things and even some of the big things, in truth, it's just that... obsessing over them because they really only add or take away as from our lives as much as we want them to or allow them to.  Do you understand?

I've been lucky this far in life to have never experienced such a great, personal tragedy but who knows when my time for this great suffering will come? Who knows?  So I have pledged my life to enjoying it irregardless of the bad times.   It has been hard since I came to that realization a few years ago (especially since I've been here in Morocco) but it's something that I'm working on seeing to fulfillment.  Life's too short and I want to make sure each occasion I get to enjoy it is duly seized.

Who's with me?

I hope we will all take some time to say a prayer or express our concerns for the people in Japan any way we see fit. Not as an empty display but out of genuine love and compassion...

Love is a Losing Game

Hey guys.  First off, do allow me to apologize for not having updated my blog for quite some time. I know that you, my very few but still valued and loyal readers have probably been wondering why this was so. 

First reason, I’ve been missing home badly and have been hiding away in my hole for a little while – terribly unhappy and pretty much uninspired.  My second reason however, is the one that has had a greater role to play in my absence and that is the fact that I decided to pay my internet service provider for services that have yet to be rendered.  I went in to their offices the other day with my Caribbean flare (not the good one) held under wraps but I can’t be sure that this will be the case the next time around.  Anyway, I’m here now.

You would remember that my last post was on Valentines’ Day and was all full of love and what not.  When I decided to start this blog, in the back of my mind but in very bold letters  it was well noted that I WOULD NOT TURN MY BLOG INTO THE OLE’ HIGH SCHOOL JOURNAL.  What that means is that I have no intentions of lacing it with stories about this boy, that boy and how much I loved, lost and have missed out on love.  I made another mental note that the Valentines' Day post was an exception; after all, it WAS Valentines’ Day and I didn’t want to come off as being bitter. This time however, I have no plausible reason for this post and I have no intentions of giving any explanation to myself or anyone else. 

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve never been in love but I have dated quite a bit. My moments of doing the dating dance were never anything really serious (at least in my mind) but there have, without a doubt, been feelings involved.

I was watching a cute, little documentary called Paper Heart the other night. This documentary was about a young woman who “didn’t/doesn’t believe in love” and was travelling across America, trying to find out what LOVE means to the rest of the world and what this whole phenomena is all about. So she interviewed couples, each giving their take on relationships and ofcourse, LOVE (and TRUE LOVE at that).  I could relate with this poor girl’s confusion about the whole concept of love but unlike her, I do believe in love and TRUE LOVE doesn’t seem impossible to me either.

I think that the common misconception that we all have is that love/true love is measured by time and although that does have a role to play in everything, it’s not the definitive factor.  What I mean is, we think that when we fall in love and think it’s true love, we intend for it to always last FOREVER.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I mean who doesn’t want to love and be loved by the love of their life for the rest of their lives right? At the same time however, should things not go the way we want them to go, that should not give grounds to saying that you didn’t truly love the person or that they didn’t truly love you right back. It also isn’t grounds to say that it wasn’t true love. 

True love, in my untrained eyes is based on how that person makes you feel, how you make them feel and the genuine, unquestionable existence of a passionate, strong, and pure bond between the two of you that is unlike anything you’ve ever known.  My opinion, as an inexperienced young mind in this matter of love is that we can find true love with more than one person in our entire lives.  It’s just a matter of finding the true love that encompasses everything that you need.

You know that you can love someone so much and they can feel the very same way about you but you’re just not meant to be?  Does this mean that what you have isn’t true love? 

Amy Winehouse (one of my all time favourite voices to listen to) has a song that sums it all up; Love is a Losing Game.  That’s just what it is.  Amy may not be the best person to take love advice from (if you know about her, you would know what I mean) but she’s so lyrically, and melodiously correct.  When you love, you lose a lot.  You lose your mind, your pride, your heart, your life; all of this can be looked at in both a positive and negative light. Just think about it!  The love that an old couple, having been together for fifty or so years, has shared can be the very same, genuine love that a couple having been together for a year or less would have experienced.  Should the second couple decide to end their relationship after the year or whenever, does this mean that they didn’t have TRUE LOVE?

I love someone.

I literally woke up to this revelation one morning a couple months ago.  Now, I’m not crazy. It did just come to me as I slept, trying to avoid the morning before me.  I know without a doubt that I love this guy but I haven’t said anything to ANYONE about it until now.  Is this an effect of growing older?  I don’t feel the need to rush to my closest friends with the news.  Then again, there are so many reasons for this.

I love him. I seem to not be able to stop saying it (I don’t even know why I’m saying this), however, I’m not quite sure that I wish to do anything about it.  I don’t know exactly why I love him but I do.  He’s not my “type” per se and we’re just friends.  I don’t know what is going on inside his head but the heart knows what it knows and feels what it feels.  It’s more of an emotional connection as opposed to a physical. Don’t get me wrong, he is a beautiful man but I’ve dated a more handsome guy in the past. That’s how I know that it’s real.  I always knew that I would feel love when it came but it’s not that easy to explain. I could think to blame being so far away from home, missing my family and my dogs and my friends as the reason for my feeling this way about him but it was just before I got to Morocco that I realized how I felt about him.  That’s quite a long time to keep it a secret.

I’m not so much afraid of disappointment as I am terrified of commitment.  Does that sound stupid?  It kinda does to me.  I wouldn’t care as much if he doesn’t feel the same way about me as I would should he feel the same way about me.  I doubt either of us is ready for any type of commitment (especially given the fact that he’s nowhere near Morocco) and although it’s not very impossible, I’m not quite sure if I want to try.  But it never hurts to try… right?

A few things could happen;

1.    I could tell him how I feel and find out he doesn’t feel the same way... loose a friend because things get awkward.

2.    I could choose not to tell him how I feel and risk the chance of losing him because I move on very fast lately.

3.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we try a relationship and we fail.

4.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way we agree not to try and never know what could have been.

5.   I could tell him how I feel, he not feel the same way but says he’s willing to try and I lose a friend because his “pity” insults my pride.

6.   I could tell him how I feel, he feels the same way, we fall hopelessly in love and loose ourselves in each other.

…

Love is a losing game